Here's some funny things I wrote for some funny websites. Some of it is topical so try to magically transport yourself back to when the jokes would have been relevant. Those pieces will be, like, 25% funnier that way.

Just Funny:

• "I Realized I Was Old When My Favorite Porn Star Transitioned To MILF Scenes" - Funny or Die
• "MISSED CONNECTION: You Were The Brunette With A Great Smile, I Was Your Husband Of 13 Years Who Never Truly Knew You" - Above Average
• "Can We Trust Each Other Enough to Cover Up This Murder at the Trust Building Retreat?" - McSweeney's
• "Scientists Unveil New Robot With The Ability To Unveil New Robots" - Above Average
• "Please Don’t Wear Mistletoe Belt Buckles At The Office Holiday Party For The Company That Makes Mistletoe Belt Buckles" - Funny or Die
• "Heathcliff: 'I Really Like Lasagna Too But Don’t Want To Look Like a Copy Cat'" - Above Average
• "I Love All My Children Equally, Even Though Devon Drives The Most Views On My Parenting Vlog" - Above Average
• "WTF, Seventeen Magazine? I Told You About Getting My Period On My Boyfriend’s White Couch in Confidence!" - Above Average
• "Ladies, If He Doesn’t Say 'Please' or 'Thank You' to Siri, Throw Him to the Curb!" - Above Average
• "A Letter to the Old Woman Next Door Who Left Her Halloween Decorations Up (And Who No One’s Seen In a Month)" - Above Average
• "6 Perfect Mother’s Day Gifts To Get Girls Who Are Turning Into Their Mothers" - Above Average
• "How to Choose the Restaurant with the Best Delivery Guy to Get Trapped in Your House" - Above Average

Topical Funny:

• "A Guy Who Was One Year Away from Finishing His Own Boyhood-Style Movie Hears about Boyhood for the First Time" - Above Average
• "I'm The Chewbacca Mom And I Run This Town Now" - Funny or Die
• "I Should Just Stop Working On My Screenplay 'Two Hours Of Kim Jong-un Getting Fucked In The Face And Then Dying'" - Funny or Die
• "Hilarious Jokes That I Wrote Myself and Totally Didn’t Steal from Bill Cosby’s Cancelled Stand Up Special" - Funny or Die
• "I Was The Employee Dov Charney Sent Those 'Explicit' Texts To And They Were Totally Innocent" - Funny or Die
• "It's My Dream That, One Day, Boys And Girls Will Be Able To Bust Ghosts Together" - Funny or Die
• "Should I Pay $100,000 For A Painting By George Zimmerman Or Just Write 'I'M AN ASSHOLE' On My Face In Sharpie?" - Funny or Die
• "America's Racists To Donald Trump: 'You're Coming On A Little Strong, Bro'" - Funny or Die